098: Self-Compassion vs Self-Pity

Are you showing Self-Compassion or Self-Pity?

Is there a difference?

In today’s episode I’m going to show that there is a BIG difference between the two.

You get to decided which will support and love you to all you dream for your life, and which one holds you back.

I’ll bet you can guess which is which!

Self-Pity sounds like:

-my life is really hard

-my situation is unfair

-I have it rough

-I don’t have enough

-I’m not enough

-I have to do way too much

-Poor me

-It’s not right.

-No one should have to have this kind of life!

-I don’t know how!

When someone is caught in self-pity, they feel sorry for themselves.

They feel judgmental, jealous or threatened by other people.

They are resentful of their situation or of the people in their lives.

They become irrational and often really mean!

Self-pity disconnects you from yourself and others and it makes you want to stay stuck & closed off to others and from allowing any type of help.

You may not hang out in self-pity often, but it’s important to recognize when it does show up.

It’s a destructive, painful trap.

When I was a young mom, I found myself in this painful trap more often than I’d like to admit.

It is true that taking care of little kids is a lot of work.  But I added resentment, judgement, and disconnection to the mix!  I felt stuck in my situation and didn’t allow others to help me, or even if I did, I didn’t recognize it as what I really needed because I was stuck in pity.  Those kind of thoughts didn’t help my situation get any better.  If only I had known about self-compassion back then.  I would have enjoyed those sweet kids of mine so much more.

That’s one of the reasons I want to get the message out about self-compassion.

Things ARE hard, but those burdens will feel lighter when we learn to think a different way.

Now, Let’s compare Self-Pity to Self-Compassion

Self-compassion is:


Let’s talk about each one of those.

Self-compassion is:

-Curious.  Do you really HAVE to do everything you are telling yourself you have to do, OR do you choose to do them?  When I really looked at this when I was first defining my priorities, I found out that most of what I was doing was because I really wanted to…they were important to me, but I had chosen to look at them as something I HAD to do.

Take a look at what you do every day, get curious and ask yourself, do I HAVE to do this thing or do I really WANT to?

What would be a good reason that I might actually WANT to do it?  Get curious.

Self-compassion is:

-Empowering.  When you’re having a hard time, ask yourself “What’s wrong my friend?”

When you tell yourself it’s OK to feel afraid or scared or sad, it changes the intensity of the emotion.

You feel a bit stronger and able to feel capable of being sad… you’ve done it before and you know that it’s not going to last forever.

You actually have more control over times when you feel scared than you realize.

An example of this is when you watch a scary movie.  Have you ever seen the same scene that scared you without the scary music?  Doesn’t seem scary at all.  The music creates the feeling inside you.  The thoughts we tell ourselves do the same thing.  Change your thoughts and you’ll change the way you are feeling.  Feel what you’re feeling and if you want to change the thoughts that created the feeling, YOU TOTALLY CAN! That’s how self-compassion can be empowering!!

Self-compassion is:

-Accepting.  Not like giving up, but more able to look at what is happening with a positive spin.

Instead of focusing on the problem, you can choose to focus on the solution.  What is this trying to teach me.  Who do I want to be in this situation?

Self-compassion is:

-Empathetic.  You recognize the hard things and are there for yourself to listen to how you’re feeling.  We easily do this for others.  When someone is going through a hard time, pay attention to how you show up for them, then, turn that around on yourself.  How can you give yourself more empathy when you’re going through something hard?  You understand yourself better than anyone else!  You know the whole story of what’s going on.  Let yourself talk to yourself in that way.  And then, LISTEN!!

Self-compassion is:

-Kind.  When you are kinder to yourself, you are able to notice that even when things are hard, you are able to find things that are good, even in the  bad situations.  You don’t beat yourself up when you are in one of those hard times.  Self-compassion helps you get to a place of gratitude.  You are more capable to talk to yourself in a kind way when pity tries to break through and take over.

Self-compassion is:

-Motivated.  A Self-compassionate person is more able to move forward.  You become more able to find solutions and figure things out.  When you treat yourself with compassion, you see more creative solutions.

Self-compassion is:

-Open. You are ready for help from yourself and others.  You become a better listener.  This makes it so what you truly need will find you because you are open and looking for it.

How can you move from pity to compassion?

Which one feels like a better place to spend your time?

The burdens of life come, sometimes in ways we feel like will never end, but we don’t let them stay there when we are self-compassionate.

When you turn the compassion you have for everyone else inward… you become a person that is more CURIOUS, EMPOWERED, ACCEPTING, EMPATHETIC, KIND, MOTIVATED and OPEN.

Make it a goal that you are constantly working towards.  Becoming more compassionate with yourself.  When you mess up, and you will, be compassionate then too.

Start treating yourself with compassion and you will become even better at it with others.

Before I leave you today, I’d like to ask you to leave me a review on this podcast.

Just scroll down a bit from where you pushed play to listen and choose how many stars you’d like to leave me.

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Thanks for joining me here today and remember:

I see you.  I understand how hard you’re trying, and I’d like to help however I can.

Have a wonderful day and I’ll see you back here next week.

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098: Self-Compassion vs Self-Pity